Hopeless Longing, Bitter Goodbye
by Dangerous Imagination
Summary: Ralph rememberes Simon, how he tried to save them, they didn't listen, now they never will, no matter how much Ralph may still want to. Ralph/Simon. R


Author's Note:

This is my first fan fiction; I have browsed the site for years as a reader and finally decided to write one myself. This was an English assignment; of course there had been a few slight changes from the original copy and this one. This story is not just another nifty little thing to satisfy your slashing pleasure (not that I mind those) it's one that isn't hurried toward the slash; in fact the slash is subtle, but noticeable. Ralph/Simon, enjoy!

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There was always something strange about Simon, and Ralph knew, everyone knew. The way the dark haired boy spoke and acted, Ralph had a feeling that Simon must have seen things differently. However, the price for being different was being alienated, because others have failed to understand him. Ralph feels he too, is guilty.

'Batty' was what everyone called and labelled him, because they could not be bothered to familiarize themselves with the boy, to see things his way. Perhaps they weren't able to, after all, they were only little boys, little boys who only wanted to have fun, hunt, and eat their damn meat!

After his conversation with Piggy, which wasn't going anywhere, the former chief decided he needed some time alone. He left Piggy alone with Sam n' Eric back at their lonely camp, that was once fraught with biguns and Littluns. Ralph walked solemnly along the beach with nothing but his own wandering thoughts, without any definite direction or any plan in mind. His thoughts floated back to his conversation with Piggy earlier.

"It wasn't our fault, we was scared!" He remembered his overweight friend say. Was he really scared? Or was it shock and confusion toward the events of the scene? After all, who knew Jack and his savages would go so far as to kill someone as harmless and innocent as Simon. Whatever it was, Ralph felt as though he couldn't just let himself off the hook that easily by using fear as an excuse.

"What's the good worrying about it?" How could he not, it may not have been the practical or logical thing to do in his current situation, but Ralph knew he didn't have a heart of stone, to just forget poor Simon. Besides, not everything in life had to centre on logic; Ralph scoffed and remembered the bloody dance last night to reassure himself of that idea. He knew at this stage, Piggy can force his supposed logic into his mind like he always did before, but he will still be undoubtedly bothered.

"I didn't do anything to stop them; I should have done something, anything! But all I did was let poor Simon get killed!" He cried out "Jack's crazy, but I thought I wasn't, so then what I am?!" Ralph cried bitterly to himself.

Why he felt so miserable toward Simon's death even when no one else seemed to, was a little beyond him. Perhaps it was the fact that he still considered himself chief, and felt he had to take on more responsibility. No-- that was just an excuse! Was it because he wished he could have known Simon better? He looked back towards the shelters and remembered how Simon was the only one who stayed and helped till the last shelter.

"Pass the branch?" Asked Ralph

"Huh? Oh here chief" Said Simon sweetly, as he passed Ralph the branch. He could've sworn he saw Simon blush; he looked so cute—wait a minute, what?

The shelter they built was a shabby one, despite their best efforts, however it still meant a lot to Ralph that at least someone stayed and helped him, or else the shelters might never have been completed.

His mind wandered to another small, but precious moment with Simon again, the last one he ever spent, when they were sitting on the rocks, and Ralph was losing hope of ever seeing rescue. He remembered Simon easing his tension somehow by reassuring him that he'll "get back alright". Ralph doesn't know if that will ever happen, but it was nonetheless comforting to hear, it made him feeling better, if only for a while.

Maybe that's why Simon was so special to him, he was mysterious, but without intimidation or hidden malice like Roger. In fact he felt rather settled around him, and now Ralph felt as though he owed him back.

"Do you blame me for what happened, Simon?" Ralph asked toward the ocean, now Simon's watery grave. He stood there silently for a moment, and then--

"No Ralph, you didn't do anything wrong, please don't blame yourself, you did everything you could" came a voice. It giggled a little and continued "I liked you a lot"

Ralph turned, eyes wide, was it possible? He felt like he wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. He had so many things he wanted to say, like how he wanted one more chance to see him. He wanted to say how sorry he was for everything that happened, and how much he wanted to make everything better! He wanted to become a better friend to Simon, a friend that actually listened and understood _him_ just as he understood everyone else. Then he heard a giggle, but it was a little different this time, then a laugh which sounded like…

"AAHH PIGGY! Why aren't you at camp?!" He jumped away, and then looked down disappointed and annoyed.

Piggy hollered and laughed uproariously.

"I got you good Ralph! Anyway, you were gone for a long time, and them Sam n' Eric are always off doing stuff together, so I was left bored n' lonely" Piggy explained "Something's bothering you isn't it? Don't tell me it's that batty Simon again, I'm telling you for the last time it's not our fault! He's just batty!" cried Piggy stubbornly.

'Batty' that kind of hurt Ralph, but Piggy was always the voice of reason; he knew things, a little like Simon. However, unlike Piggy or Jack, Simon never threw overconfident answers in your face. Something in Ralph told him, in a way his own twelve year old mind couldn't completely understand was that Simon might have been more than just a queer little boy like everyone else had thought. The fair haired boy felt as though killing Simon was almost as if they were killing kindness and morality itself.

Ralph felt as if he wanted to scream out loud because he really couldn't express what he was feeling properly. It was partly due to his limited twelve year old vocabulary, and partly because he didn't want to upset Piggy nor Sam n' Eric. All he can do now is say goodbye to Simon, silently in his mind, the only place where he didn't have to worry about being judged by others, and walked Piggy back to camp.


End file.
